The Real Abomination

When I was in fourth grade, I had a friend with two mothers. I never once thought there was anything amiss about this. My parents were divorced, which was equally peculiar. I saw "two mothers" as another variation on "possible parenting scenarios." This folks, was 1971. When I went to Brandeis ten years later I recall hearing about the gay/lesbian/bisexual alliance. I remember thinking, "why do they need an alliance?" I was not even aware there was a stigma attached to these lifestyles. Oh, how things have changed in my world.

Yeshiva University recently held a panel on the subject of homosexuality and treatment of homosexuals at YU. Without treading on any Halachic toes, speakers encouraged students and faculty to approach gay students with more openness and acceptance. Wow, I'm thinking, groundbreaking. Unfortunately, for many this is news.

When my daughter was in sixth grade and learning Judo, her friend told her she wasn't allowed to go to Judo because the teacher "might marry a woman and everyone knows." Liora came home to talk to me about this. "But I don't get it, why can't she go to Judo?" asks naturally curious 11-year-old. "Well, some people think homosexuality is contagious, " answers hoping-she's-saying-the-right-thing mother. "Well, I would think being with someone who's violating shabbas is much more contagious," she says. She starts to walk away, then adds, "and since when is it ok to talk about what someone does in their bedroom? It's really not tzanua (modest)." Right on.

It so happens that said Judo teacher is a close family friend, and my children have never expressed discomfort with her or her choice of partner. I think partly, as demonstrated above, it is simply not in a child's nature to think too much about these things. They accept and love whoever loves and accepts them, and that's about it.

How, then, does a 16-year-old boy from a religious home end up in the emergency room, barely escaping death at his own hand, because he is gay? Over the twenty years I have been in practice I have seen dozens of religious gay and lesbian teenagers cross my office threshold. They are not all suicidal, but they are all in terrible pain. By witnessing this pain I have become convinced that homosexuality is not a choice. I do not believe any person would make a choice this painful.

I know I will catch hell for this, but I place blame squarely on the shoulders of those religious leaders who preach rejection, intolerance and hatred of gay and lesbian Jews. As far as I understand, we are commanded to love each other. There are no exceptions.

I had the opportunity to learn just how much my opinion is in the minority while serving as musical director for the Israeli premier of RENT. (The play features gay, lesbian, bisexual and straight characters.) A friend and neighbor, a rav whom I greatly respect told me he did not feel his student's participation in this play was in service of Hashem. I disagree. I told him I know we can't change the world by putting on one play, but perhaps we can stimulate respectful dialogue. And if through a gentle raising of awareness we can be a voice for change, if we can open one heart, if we can ease the pain of one suffering Jew, then we have done something incredibly holy.