Now, a bit about my background. I'm not your typical religious woman. I didn't go to Stern College, didn't marry a YU guy, never lived in New York, or even the tri-state area. I was raised by a single mother of five children in rural Massachusetts. My mother, a close friend and classmate of Gloria Steinam raised us with a healthy disregard for rules (other than hers) and a huge poster which said "Fuck Housework" in the kitchen. No kidding, my sisters have confirmed this. Our home was traditionally Jewish and very spiritual, if not necessarily religious. My mother created her own religion, based on Jewish holidays, feminism, punctuality, doing the right thing and orthodontics for all.
I was always attracted to religion and to spiritual practices of every sort, from Buddhist meditation to Hindu burial parades. I came to Orthodoxy by being immersed in it, and I still respect and admire the solid ground of many Orthodox communities worldwide. But I no longer call myself Orthodox, though my lifestyle, other than the hair, has not changed.
What did change was how I was treated by some terribly misled men who have the gall to call themselves rabbis. Following a painful yet thankfully short-lived falling out with a close friend, these "rabbis" took it upon themselves to demonize me, threaten me and attempt to ruin me professionally. Well, I look askance at such behavior, as my mother's religion clearly dictates.
So I feel I have no choice. I need to distance myself in every way possible from this type of thinking and behavior. I can not tolerate the thought that someone could look at my manner of dress and assume things about the way I think. It has simply become unbearable. So, now when I walk down the street, an amazing thing happens; people look me in the eye. Ahh that feels good.
Great post - and welcome to the blogosphere!
ReplyDeleteI'm confused. You wrote: "I liked the idea of downplaying physical beauty, of reining in my energy a bit (which can be pretty outrageous, I admit), of creating a barrier between my sexuality and men who are not my husband. The idea appealed to me."
ReplyDeleteand:
"So I feel I have no choice. I need to distance myself in every way possible from this type of thinking and behavior. I can not tolerate the thought that someone could look at my manner of dress and assume things about the way I think."
So, yes. I assume that if someone covers her hair, it says something about the way she thinks. I think that it shows just what you said: that she feels it's a way of creating a barrier between her sexuality and men who are not her husband.
If someone covers her hair and then decides not to do so any more, my assumption is her thinking has changed. That she no longer wants that barrier between her sexuality and men other than her husband. Where am I going wrong in this train of thought, since this is so obviously not what you mean?
Also, I fail to see how uncovering your hair distances you from evil rabbis, but you didn't give any details. If you bring up the issue on a blog, I think we're entitled to know the connection. Not so much the details, but why uncovering your hair distances you from their evil.
Unfortunately, I have known more than one evil religious figure who wielded power to hurt me and my family and this had no effect on my standard of dress or my religious beliefs.
I have always felt a special dedication to covering my hair precisely because it's my best feature, which invests the act with true meaning (for me). If I had an ugly Jew-fro, for instance, I'd have issues with why I need to cover something that is so obviously not my crowning glory. For me, having beautiful hair and reserving it for my husband's eyes is a beautiful kind of dedication to him and to the idea of trying to perfect myself as a modest Bat Yisrael. So, for me, none of this has anything to do with evil religious figures.
It sounds like teenage rebellion: "Those evil rabbis! I'm not going to cover my hair and they can't make me."
I know I'm missing something. What is it, Sara? What am I missing, here?
That said, I'm glad you've decided to start a blog. I will enjoy reading about your thoughts!
As someone who davened for many years in a traditional, albeit egalitarian shul, I've been amazed by J'lem. By all the women who assume their roles w/o protest behind the mechitza. Who cover their hair, wear skirts even though the Rabbinical heirarchy of the country cares very little for them as females. I'm all for making choices and recognize that for many, covering their hair works but I feel that women need to come out from behind the covers - to stop layering themselves with fabric (in the J'lem style) and be unafraid.
ReplyDeleteWe had a similar experience...on both sides. 10 years ago, I stopped wearing a kippa because I couldn't stand the assumption that people made about my behaviors in religious garb. I wanted to be who I was and not be called into every minyan because I "looked the part." I march to my own drummer which includes some observances but not all, at least as proscribed by the Orthodox establishment. That said, my outward appearance of observance didn't change much but I feel much more at peace when I walk around outside, knowing that I am being true to myself.
ReplyDeleteKudos for writing this--I totally agree with every word and had similar experiences with both haircovering and the evils of "rabbis." Teetchazki in your efforts, your thinking and your writing.
ReplyDelete(I am not the Toby who wrote the first response to this blog. I identify myself with my full name.)
ReplyDeleteThere are two comments in this blog to which I would like to respond. 1)The "typical" religious woman, in my opinion, does not fit your sterotype ("Stern College, didn't marry a YU guy, never lived in New York, or even the tri-state area"), which is a somewhat narrow description of "religious women", and 2) Regarding your comment: "I liked the idea of downplaying physical beauty, of reining in my energy a bit...of creating a barrier between my sexuality and men who are not my husband." Everyone is entitled to have their own reasons for performing those mitzvot they choose to perform. It is worth mentioning, however, that according to at least some halachic authorities (for example, the late erudite talmid hacham, Rav Shlomo Min Hahar of Jerusalem), the purpose of a woman covering her hair is to remind the woman (not a man who is not her husband) that she is married. He did not talk about downplaying physical beauty or reining in energy. For example, in the context of explaining why wigs are acceptable halachically, he said (I paraphrase him to the best of my ability): "I never wore one but my wife tells me it's hard to forget you have one on." I.e., the burden and responsibility of a woman reminding herself of her marital status is on herself, just as we must take our own responsibility for all of our actions.
Religious women, to the best of my knowledge, are not instructed to make themselves un-beautiful, or to limit their energy.
Shabbat shalom.
This is almost the first time I entered and /or read a "blog". Very interesting.
ReplyDeleteA few comments on the "head covering". You may not have the "background" that many American Efratians have but to the best of my understanding, there were many reabbis, students of Rav. Yosef Ber Soloveitchik Z"L, of RIETS/YU whose wives did not go with a head covering.
Many years ago I was told by an employer of mine, a Ba'al Tshuva who was asscociated with Yeshivat Nezach Yerushalayim (or Netzach Yisrael) in Rechavia (Jerusalem) that the Rosh Yeshiva had said to him that dress codes are very relative oriented, depending on what is considered "modesty" and in what circles.
I was told that the Ministers of Agudat Yisrael
when they sat in Golda Meyer's government and were asked how they could sit with a woman who doesn't cover her head, they explained that the Torah issue on which head covering is based talks about "sear paruah" and as Golda always kept her hair in a bun it was ok .
Have you read Rabbi Cardozo's article on "why he wants to take off his kippa" (or something like that. If not I will try to send it to you (if you're interested).
Yoni Ben-Ari
Great blog, Sara. Am enjoying the comments as well.
ReplyDeleteDear Sara Halevi:
ReplyDeleteI am a forthright person (and I know you will appreciate my forthrightness) so I will come right out with it.
You are making a mistake by uncovering your hair and I will explain to you how and why.
It seems you have not yet learned in detail the concept of the Erev Rav--who they are, where they came from, what they want, what they will do. If you did, you would understand what is happening today and why we see the behaviors that we do. With this knowledge we would not react in anger, indignation, or disgust by moving away from G-d, Our Father Who loves us and wants us close.
The Erev Rav were the non-Jewish elite of Egypt. Unlike the Jews, the Erev Rav were immersed in a lifestyle based on black magic, divination, exorcism, necromancy, and other forms of sorcery. They feared and despised the Jews, new strangers among them, so they convinced Pharoah to murder all Jewish baby boys.
The Erev Rav were Egypt's ruling class, its elite, and they craved only one thing--power, that is, power to rule over people and control them.
After the Ten Plagues, when G-d Almighty revealed Himself and His Power in the world, the Erev Rav realized they were nothing before G-d and His People Israel, that their time for ruling others was over. So they begged Moshe to admit them to the Jewish nation because, as Jews, they hoped to continue to wield power, this time over the humble Jewish people.
Moshe agreed. But the Zohar states that G-d warned Moshe that this was a mistake, that the Erev Rav were insincere and should be pushed away.
Moshe saw that the Erev Rav were the quintessence of evil in the physical world. By making them Jews, Moshe knew, says Kabbalah and Chassidus, that he must subjugate their evil and transform them to the realm of holiness, thus bringing Messiah and the Complete Redemption.
G-d warned Moshe that just as the Erev Rav craved power as the Gentile elite of Egypt, so will they crave power as members of the Jewish people.
G-d, Torah, Jewish Law, fellow Jews, the Land . . . nothing was ever dear to them except one thing: to grab and maintain power. That is why almost immediately after the Giving of the Torah, the newly Jewish Erev Rav (the Sages state the Erev Rav were 1.2 million to 4 million in number--about one-half to more than a million more than the Jews themselves!) rebelled against G-d when Moshe did not descend from Mount Sinai as expected. They used their knowledge of Tumah-evil to create a vision convincing the Jews that Moshe had died and then demanded that Aharon the High Priest create aGolden Calf idol. When Moshe's and Aharon's nephew Chur stood up to them, the Erev Rav killed him. Nothing and no one would get in their way.
(continued from previous post)
ReplyDeleteThe souls of the Erev Rav, says the Torah, will exist until the Coming of the Moshiach and will animate Jewish bodies in every generation. In this last generation before the Moshiach's arrival, the souls of the Erev Rav predominate and dominate the non-Erev Rav souls of the generation.
Consequently, in every generation, the Erev Rav will promote their agenda of rebellion to G-d and subversion of G-d's plans for Torah and the Jewish nation.
In fact, if we study Jewish history, we can see clearly that in every generation in which the Jews were pressured physically or spiritually by the Gentiles, it was the Erev Rav of that generation who, may G-d save us, came to help the Gentile oppressors.
The Hellenists of the Chanukah story; the Jewish guests at Achavarosh's feast prior to the Purim miracle; the Maskilim of the "Enlightenment"; the Jewish Communists who informed on their fellow Jews upholding Torah and mitzvos in Russia; the secular Jewish elite worldwide, who grovel continually before Washington and Moscow; the Leftists, who import every repugnant, Gentile practice into the Land; the stewards of the State; and, yes, even most (but not all!) so-called Orthodox rabbis worldwide, whose silence and inaction on communal matters (secularization, livelihoods, strife) and the Land of Israel (terror, Gush Katif, Jerusalem) are unconscionable . . . these are the Erev Rav today. According to the Vilna Gaon, the Erev Rav will not just be average Jews but the elite of the day, the "head," just as they were in Egypt; they are called "rav"--like a rav, a rabbi, an elevated individual--"because they are the heads of the nation in the Exile."
This is why three times each day we say the bracha V'laMalshinim, the nineteenth blessing added to the original eighteen of the Shemonah Esrai prayer. It refers to the three completely unclean forces which correspond to Israel's three mortal enemies: Esav, Yishmael, and the Erev Rav who must and will be utterly destroyed.
And the Erev Rav are Jews (who will have a tremendous descent and spiritual rebuilding to do after Moshiach is revealed)! That's why the word u'semager in V'laMalshinim. It means "lehashpil -- "to cast down"; the elite Erev Rav today will be cast down from the lofty position they've enjoyed during our Exile.
Of course, the Erev Rav do not publicize or teach these concepts; it's bad for business. Many observant Jews therefore don't know these concepts and just see the Erev Rav's hypocrisy, conniving, lying, thievery, incompetence, etc. and react out of anger, shame, disgust, etc.
Sara, my sister: Know what is happening to us, and what we must do to stay close to G-d. He tests us so out of His great love for us, and knows we can succeed.
May He bless you and your family always.